i just read a few posts back and omg i am the lamest being ever to grace this earth with my presence

blogging an stuff

whooops accidentally posted before writing anything


The best thing about this blog is that nobody reads it, so I can post whatever the fuck I want and not give a shit about what they will think of me. btw if you're reading this gtfo


Today I went to see "We Need to Talk About Kevin" with la famille. It was really horrible but good. A few times when Kevin is small he makes this noise when his mother is talking which basically means "blahblahblahshutupwhyareyoutalkingtome". After the film, we were in a restaurant and I was talking. We were talking about the word "ostensible" and it wasn't particularly interesting but it was better than the preceding silence. I was probably dragging out the conversation for longer than necessary but as I said, it was better than the preceding silence. Then James started going "blah blah blah" etc. I didn't hear him, but then my parents both started making that noise like Kevin makes. I was like "wtf" and it was explained to me that James had started it and they were just "remembering the film" as opposed to making a direct decision to use the noise to express how they feel about me (i.e. that they really really really hate me so much that it makes them want to shoot a bunch of kids with a crossbow). I know (hope) none of them actually meant anything by it but omg it just made me feel like ugh nobody cares what i have to say nobody wants to have to go through the chore of listening to me speak why the fuck do i even bother i actually genuinely should just kill myself and save them all the trouble. So then I didn't really say anything else and eventually started crying and tried not to make it too obvious and then Mum tried to sit next to me but then I was like no don't do that and that was probably quite hurtful but she didn't seem hurt and anyway i don't want her to spend half an hour trying to get me to tell her what's wrong when i have to keep my mouth shut cause if i tried to speak my voice would go all broken and whiny and nobody wants to hear that

so yeah that (I) probably spoiled the evening for everyone

i wish i didn't have such a problem with people being interested in what i say


i remember when dad asked me if i realised how dislikeable i was (am)

selfpityselfpityselfpity

lolololol self-improvement blogging

Sooo
This week Imma try to go to bed before 10pm every day.
Also tomorrow I'm going to finish the S2 book and do my differentiation homework.
yussss

I woke up at 1:30 and did shit all for the rest of the day. So not the best day ever or anything.

I posted a Lookbook and it got 0 hype so that's good.

I don't understand Myspace.

I would like to ship Drarry, but Harry Potter is the most awkward character to ship anyone with. The problem is, there are no other males I want to ship Draco with. And as Tom Felton is the hottest bitch ever, I feel I need to ship him with someone. It's a dilemma.

Bye.

Sleepover was funnn

I'm not really in the mood to post. no1curr.

Bleh

Still haven't really done anything productive, but I'm going out tomorrow for a friend's birthday so I will at least make use of the day. I'm looking forward to it as well; should be fun :)

I've spent the last few hours internet shopping without actually buying anything. So I guess internet window shopping. Which was fun. I really need to get a job so that I can actually afford things I want. But I'm so lazy D: and probably would struggle to get a job in the first place.

I hope that at some point in my life I'm in a position where I have the time and freedom to do whatever the fuck I want. At the moment, though granted I probably have a lot more time than I make use of, I constantly have stuff I need to be doing. I don't feel like I have time to start the projects that I get excited for, so they never move past the idea stage into reality. I wanna take a gap year to give me time to do stuff. But it'll have to be after university because otherwise I won't get into university, and even then I don't know where I'll get the money from. Sigh.

Anyway, enough depressing hopelessness. Tomorrow I will get up at 9am and I will not open Google chrome at all (besides now, as it's technically tomorrow already). Yes that is a good aim.

I'll post again in two days as I am at a sleepover tomorrow night. 'Cause I know you're all dying to hear from me again ;)

Keep smiling c:
xo

Lack of productivity and Harry Potter

Well. I had a list of three things to do today: tidy my room, read the part of "Relativity: the Special and General Theory" that's relevant to my EPQ, and start posting on this new Remus/Sirius tumblr I made. I didn't do any of those things xD

I started tidying my room and then decided to start reading the Einstein book and finish later, then I got a few chapters into the book and my brother suggested going climbing. I hadn't been climbing since February and I was like "eh it's not the best time", then I was like "eh it'll never be the best time", so I went. It was good; I enjoyed it. I have realised that I am already behind and this is the first day I planned to do anything for the EPQ. Which sucks.

Anyway. Umm. Yeah Harry Potter was good. I almost cried, which is an extreme emotional reaction for me. When Neville single-handedly killed all those death eaters and when he spoke up about it not mattering that Harry was dead. I love Neville. Also generally when you saw everyone banding together in the battle of Hogwarts. I am like a proud mother. I didn't like how they did the scene where Voldemort dies. In the book that was in front of everyone and it was very climactic and stuff, but in the film it was just like "oh, so he's dead now". And I don't like the fact that only Harry saw it, because as far as everyone else is concerned it might not have happened. All they have to go on is Harry's word. I just feel that it would be better if everyone saw it with their own eyes.

Also, this film made me think that it was a bad idea to split the last book in two, because you're dropped straight into the plot and it's a bit confusing when you haven't seen the first half for ages. Also, the whole film was very tense and there were no light-hearted moments. I think that took something away somehow: the final climax doesn't seem as dramatic when the whole film has been really dramatic already. It's like, you need to take the tension away for a while so the audience really feel the tension in the final moments. But anyway. What do I know? :P

And Black Swan. Man that is like the scariest film I have ever seen. I mean I have watched horror films and stuff but eurgh. It's just so horrible. Eww eww eww. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it in depth lol. It was really good, but not really my kind of film.

Okay I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow I will finish the things I meant to finish today. Yes.

Thanks for reading <3

School's Out :D

So on Friday I got back from 2 weeks away, and now it's Summer :D
I probably say this every time I post here (it's been so long I can't remember, heh) but I intend to post here more often this Summer. I want to kind of make a log of my last year of school, starting with the Summer preceding it, and I feel that this is a decent place to do it. So yeah. I'll post again tomorrow.

My first week away was at Summer school, doing physics. It was an amazing 5 days, and I made a lot of new friends (success!) and learned a lot of physics. It was a big deal for me, going away and staying for a week with a bunch of people I'd never met, so to come out of it with such positive thoughts is awesome, and hopefully i will keep in touch with at least a few of the people that were there. I also have a renewed eagerness to read more physics outside school, so umm yeah if I have the time and motivation that might happen (lol).

After that I had one night at home before I went on my Duke of Edinburgh gold expedition. It was really hard, but a lot of fun as well. I feel good having done it, not only because we walked just under 80km in 4 days but I guess also because it reminded me how much things have changed since I did bronze 3 years ago (when I say things I really mean me). On my bronze expedition I had a huge fall out with this other girl in my group and I was really bitchy and childish about the whole thing. That didn't happen this time. A couple of the people in my group were being a bit bitchy and argumentative (and I don't blame them: you're bound to get a bit pissed off doing that sort of thing) but I didn't really do that. I'm sure I pissed some people off, but I did nothing majorly bad, and I really enjoyed being in the group. So omG shit the bed, another positive social experience... :')

Other things: DH2 omG wow, just watched Black Swan, need to write 5000 words on Special Relativity, need to tidy my room. But as I said, I'll post again tomorrow.

For now Imma just watched the DW Series 6 Part 2 trailer a few hundred times more then go to bed.

Thanks for reading c:

PS omG River has an eyepatch :O

Pretentiousness and Reflections

It's always funny when you find something you wrote a while ago and don't really remember writing it, because it doesn't feel like it was actually you. I'm always surprised (I say always - this doesn't happen to me very often) by how much respect I have for my past self. I guess I got used to the idea that whenever I looked back at my past I would only feel embarrassment about what I thought and how I acted, and that is often the case, but with things like blog posts and diary entries it's different somehow. Maybe because I am doing it only for my own benefit and not trying to impress anyone? I don't think that's quite it though. I'm not sure. Maybe my respect for the me who wrote those blog posts last year is just egotistical interest in myself and what I have (and had) to say. Whatever. It's nice, I guess, whatever it is.

The other thing that surprises me is how little I remember of what it felt like to be me last year. I mean, it was only a year ago and yet, as I said above, it feels like that was a different person. It's sad, in a way, how I'll never be in that same position again. Even if I am happier now (which I'm pretty sure I am), it's like I've lost what I was then, and there are probably some lessons that I learned last year that, despite seeming important at the time, I've completely forgotten. Anyway, the niceness of respecting my past self overrides that. :)

Also, future self, I'm aware of the pretentiousness that is evident in this post, and at least a little aware of how naive it is to be discussing how I have changed in a year when that is nothing to how people can change in a lifetime. :P I hope you feel some of the same things I felt just now when you read this.

x

PS I'm also aware that I'm using pretentiousness as general mitigation for saying anything that sounds a bit stupid or that I might disagree with/regret later. XD